I told the kids tonight...

that their grandmother would not get better. We had a family party today...my niece's 6th bday and also so that my mom could hand out her gifts from Christmas. It was a nice day. My mom is very tired, and did her best to be with everyone. Before we left I told the kids to give her a hug and kiss goodbye, which 2 of them did, but my 7yo who is allergic to those things refused. I whispered to him through gritted teeth to get in there and give her a hug, and he did. He held her and she held him for about a minute, and she whispered some things to him, that he forgot.

I have to admire how matter of fact my kids were about hearing that she will die sometime soon.
My 7yo said "MOM! If you had told me that BEFORE we got there, I wouldnt have argued about giving her a hug goodbye" (chastisement taken dear child)
My 9yo who is a very empathetic child, and very in touch with his emotions had quite a bit to say.
"That makes me sad that she will die, she is a special person, and the family just won't be the same with her gone."
For some reason that made my 5yo think that the family would physically change and look like aliens.

They talked about it, and said they wished she would get better...but they understand.

Orthodoxy says to always have our death at the forefront of our minds. I used to find that morbid, but the more I come to understand Orthodoxy, the more sense it makes. Death is not something that makes me uncomfortable, though I DO feel uncomfortable talking about it because I know it can really bother people.

I think what makes everything with my mom "horror show like" is having to watch this woman become a shadow of what she was. My mother has always been to me this tall, gorgeous, energetic, strong, assertive, sensuous woman. A woman that kept people at arms length unless you were lucky enough to have her take you in. I was always chasing her, trying to capture her attention. "Look at me mom!"
Unfortunately our relationship has always been so damn complicated. When I was 7 she left...just...left. She and I had a conversation a couple months back and she asked my forgiveness for what she did.

She said "I was wondering, WHERE was alana in all of this? Where was she?" then she looked at me for a minute and her voice dropped "Lost, you were lost in all of it..and Im sorry"

That moment made me piece together why for so long I have felt like I just float along, feeling..well.. lost.

That moment also caused me to be found again.


To teachers of wisdom, it was not accidental that death entered our life, to instruct the intellect, to tame the passions of the soul, to calm the waters, and to establish calm. Holy Hierarch John Chrysostom