Saturday, November 28, 2009


Thanksgiving went well. Mom was not in the hospital, we didn't have the flu, it worked out. Wednesday we went shopping to buy a gift for my niece, and cards for her and for my mom. Mom's birthday is December 1st but we all decided we would celebrate on Thanksgiving because it it not easy to get everyone together in one place at the same time. I looked at the cards, and the realization that this is most likely the very last time I will ever buy a card for my mom hit me like a freight train. Im not one given to being emotional , especially in public, but I started to cry. I stood there and cried in the card aisle, in Target. Really I wanted to break down and sob but I managed not too and pulled myself together rather fast. Looking at the cards I thought "How on earth does a person pick the one that says things they can't say when it is the last birthday occasion to say it?" I couldn't answer it, and grabbed one that sounded good enough. Communication with my mother is not a strong point of mine. Good enough is all it is.
(My mom and husband.)

After being out of town for a few days, today was the first day we had to get back into our regular routine. We went to pick the dog up from the kennel. She smelled horrible, so I washed her. Then off to the library where my 7yo son learned how to use the library catalog. He was so amazed that all he had to do was type in a topic hit search and all the titles would come up along with the numbers where he could find the book he wanted. He looked at me like I had been holding out on him.

He and Gwen took out a few books on tigers, an encyclopedia of sharks, and a 20 lb book about birds in north america. Add checked out 4 books from The Series of Unfortunate Events...series. He is devouring those books...going through one a day or every 2 days. On Thanksgiving he discovered that his cousin was reading them too...they are 20 days apart in age. She asked if he could sleep over so they could watch the movie together, so that is where he went. My sister told me it was really cute watching them discuss the movie, books, plot and characters.
Add and his cousin. I love this picture so much.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Motherhood as a form of redemption

My daughter was sick for several days with h1n1. She did ok with it...there were fevers, she was exhausted, and a couple episodes of vomit.

Caring for her during this illness carried me back to my childhood. This past year, with my mom being ill , has been partially healing, and partially giving me the feeling of ripping off a very large scab.
When I was a little girl, my mom was an alcoholic. This meant that sometimes I would have a mother who would do lovely things with me like make potato stamps, work in the garden, dance together to Abba while cleaning. It also meant that sometimes I wouldn't have a mother. I would have woman passed out on the couch, or incoherent or....just not there.

I have a few memories of being sick with her. One time I had pink eye, and it reminded me of a book I had. One of the illustrations was a rabbit with big pink I thought of that, hopped around and yelled PINK EYE PINK EYE. I think I was 4. She took me to the Dr, and I ate a donut on the way while I sat in the backseat with my dog Max. I didn't finish my donut so I left it on the back window shelf thing that our car had. When I came back, the donut was gone, but Max was happy. Probably the only reason I remember this day is because of Max eating my donut.

When I was 7 my mom left. Just left. In my ability to recollect this time, it is from the viewpoint of a 7yo..there was mom...then there was not mom. I was left with my father who became profoundly depressed.

My dad was a wonderful man, but had not the slightest inkling about how to care for a young girl. I once came down with some horrible illness...with fevers and throwing up. I didnt know what to do, so I took my blanket, went into my father's room with the bread pan that I was using to throw up in and laid down on his wood floor. All I knew is that I wanted to be near a grown up...someone to take care of me, and even if they didn't it was good enough to just be there and hear him breathing.

When Gwen got sick, these snippets of memory along with several others in the same vein swirled into my mind. It made me sad, I cannot argue that. However, the realization that my children will never, ever, be left alone like I was fixed something in me. To be with my daughter and soothe her during her fevers, to change the bed at 2am that we were sharing and she threw up in, to know that she would not feel alone and have to sleep on hard wood floors with a very thin blanket and high was in a way like I was redeemed from these aspects of my childhood.


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Gwen seems to be over the flu. I am so glad.
Today is the first anniversary of my brother's passing, he has been heavy on mind today.

We were able to get out of the house after too many days of being stuck inside...that was wonderful.

Friday, November 20, 2009


My daughter has the flu. I get really sad when my kids get sick. She rested on the couch for most of the day and was kept in good company

We did go the Dr who confirmed it was the first she thought it was strep, but that was clear. Im am hoping that if we are all to get it that it hits fast. The thought of having to miss Thanksgiving is causing me great sadness. In all likelihood it will be my mom's last one, and we are going to be celebrating her birthday also.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

She amuses me.

This dog makes me laugh. I caught her on top of the "linen dresser" we have in our upstairs hall. I put the cat food up there to keep the dog out of it. She was so curious about the cat that she jumped up on top of the dresser. I wish I had had my real camera on hand and not just my cell phone...the cat's face was priceless. I never thought that it would cross a dog's mind to jump up there.

Friday, November 6, 2009

I Think I Have Lost My Mind....

Remember Bella?

A friend of ours loved her very much and actually asked if he could have her. Since it was so unexpected and kind of weird for someone to outright ask for our dog, I said yes. She left us a couple of months ago.

Lately I have been missing having a dog...we have Blue who is our old really dumb Lab...but he doesn't really count as a dog..I think of him as furniture..that sometimes smells bad. Plus I like having a dog out with the kids when they are playing...there are coyotes around our house, and my mom mind goes to all sorts of scenarios of strangers stopping and grabbing one of my kids and taking off. I figured we needed a dog with some sort of protective potential.

Ive been looking around and the other day came across a listing for a 7mo pup that caught my eye. Housetrained, used to kids, good personality, part Cattle Dog. I emailed and set up a time to meet up. My husband was able to be there too...and both of us fell in love at first sight.

Needless to say....she came home with us.
Here is Leia Lola Lunatic. (we like to give our dogs 3 names starting with the same letter)
Her ears are so big that I couldnt fit the tip in the frame.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I left early this morning with the intention of getting to Cleveland early so I would have more time to spend with my mom, and so I could leave early and not drive home for over 2 hours, alone, and in the dark.

Rest stops are CREEPY at night.
I know this because I usually have to get coffee to make it home awake.

About 20 miles north, it began to snow. At first I was confused. See...during the summer, I forgot that snow exists, and all of a sudden fluffy rain drops started hitting my window. Eventually I was snow.

Its too early for snow.

As I drove on the freeway started to get slushy...visibility downright sucked, and the semi's which usually go 70+ were only going 55. I hopped off at the freeway exit that has a billboard for a store that sells farm animal feed, deli trays, and party supplies. I wanted to see if it really WAS snowing as badly as I thought.

It was.

A hearse drove by as I sat there...and I decided I was going to wimp out and not keep going north where it would be worse.

So I turned around and went home.

That was my exciting day...when I got home I cleaned my kitchen..even got into the corners, then kids carved their pumpkins..a bit late, I baked 2 pumpkin pies and made pumpkin seeds. I was a right regular domestic.