Saturday, January 2, 2010

moving on

my life anymore is this insane mixture of super incredible and heart breaking.

I went to visit with my mom on wednesday as I usually do. I had intended on a short visit because it is a 2 hour drive to get home, and I dont like driving alone in the dark, in the winter on that stretch of highway. She was so sad though that I just couldn't leave. Her memory has been effected by her high white blood cell counts. We kept talking and talking, and I decided that I was just going to spend the night with her in the hospital. She and I had a very long night. For some reason she became very agitated and she kept moving around and when she did finally fall asleep she kept sleeping at the very edge of her bed so I kept making sure she didnt fall off of it. At 3am her blood pressure dropped to 80/54 so they had to give her some fluids. I had maybe 10 minutes of sleep. Her WBC results came back and they were up 101,000.

She did open up a bit and tell me that she was very scared and thinks that she will not make it through this setback. I asked her if I could do anything for her and she told me that it would be impossible because all she would ask for is for me to take all this away. She said that she wanted to see and do so much more and really isn't ready to die. I kept thinking about when my dad was dying and I was his caretaker. It was sad watching his body go against him, and watch him go from being able to walk around, to wheelchair to living in his hospital bed. The one thing that made it easier with him is that he was ready to die. He was completely ok with it, he wasn't scared, and he knew we would all be ok.

In other things...
I looked over the classes I am taking...they are online because right now that is easier for me to do. After looking them over my confidence in doing this went through the roof...I am beyond positive that I will do well with them, and I am excited to begin. One hitch is that I checked several times if I need to buy books, and it said "no materials needed" After reading the syllabi for them, I noticed I DO need books. Class starts on Monday, but with New Years everything was closed. So, on monday I have to take the kids to campus, get an ID card and buy books. When I told them they all screamed "OH NO!!! ALIENS!!!" I asked them what on earth they were talking about and they told me that teenagers go to college and teenagers are aliens. :-)

I also, (finally!) have an inkling of what I want to major in. But, more on that later....

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