Birthdays

Funny how grief fades away only to come back and slap you across the face. Ive been going along, things going well, keeping busy because that is what helps me process best. Friday was my 2nd child's 8th birthday. He received gifts in the mail and cards. My sister and his family send him a card with a $20 bill in it, and that is when it hit, hard. I realized right then that this is the first time he will not receive a card from my mother....she always sent him cash...four $5 bills.

As if to further the wallop I realized that my birthday was coming up too...on the 29th....and that the woman who gave birth to me is not here anymore to celebrate. There will not be a happy birthday phone call, or the card that comes in the mail with a message that always has something to do with having a relationship that could be better and appreciating my uniqueness and signed off with the phrase "with unspoken understanding"

There is no more unspoken understanding. There is nothing to not speak, there is no one to understand.

She is gone.

I feel weak that Im still processing this....but I keep forgetting that it hasn't been that long. Strangely enough the thing that allowed the tears to come was when I discovered my dog had chewed a hole in my new sparkly leopard print pointy toed flats.