of my mother's death.
So weird to think that one day and a month ago I was holding her, she was still alive, and I was telling her I love her and that we will all be ok. She told me she loved me too and would miss me.
I really miss her.
I have tried to call her out of reflex a few times this past month...to tell her I was awarded the scholarship that will pay for half of my tuition....to tell her I got the boys their cub scout things and to whine about how much they cost...that I got in touch with my cousin, and tried to call my aunt who I havent seen in 12 years. Every time I picked up the phone and was hit with the reality that I cant call...she is dead.
Sometimes I see her in my dreams. A few times they have been so disturbingly real...we are at a family party and she is still sick..but it is always her being sick when she seemed to be getting better. I wake up each time and have to adjust to the shock that it was just a dream. Other dreams have a weird mosaic "Where's Waldo" quality...and I have to go through a million faces till I find hers. The dreams are the worst. Some are just nightmarish and I refuse to bring those to memory.